Cruisers Occupy Oakland

14 Dec

Yesterday, one thousand members of the Occupy Movement once again shut down the Port of Oakland. Nearby, truck driver Javier Johnson said, “What are these idiots protesting? This day is costing me $600 and I’ve got a family to feed.”

An Occupy spokesman said, “We are mainly targeting SSA Marine, which is partly -owned by Goldman Sachs.”

Protesters beat drums and yelled “We are the 99 percent!” and “Die Capitalist Pigs!”

But far in the back, a smaller, but more militant group yelled, “And stop running over sailboats!” The unruly rabble, dressed in oilskins and canvas hats, held signs that read, “Mandatory human monitoring of AIS and radar at all times!” and “Kill a sailboat, go to jail!”

The group then attacked the side of a docked ship with boathooks and gaffs.

The Occupy Movement spokesman stated, “Our aim is peaceful protest, but these “cruisers” are completely out of hand. As peaceful protestors, we have to distance ourselves from this splinter group and denounce their tactics.”

Robin Cox-Guzzman, a man in his fifties with a white beard, sou’wester hat, and a gold-plated shackle through his left ear stated, “These ships have to watch out for the little guys! And we won’t rest until they agree to keep better watch!” A pin that said “I’ve Been Around” glimmered on his jacket.

Over Guzzman’s shoulder, a Tayana 37 repeatedly rammed the bow bulb of a loaded, 700-foot Maersk container ship.

Guzzman added, “Over the last decade, at least twenty sailboats have been run down by big ships, resulting in repeated damage and loss of life, not the mention the Bay Bridge! We can only guess at the countless numbers of traditional boatman and fisherman who have lost their lives around the world. It has to stop, and we’re not leaving until it does!”

Riot police attacked the group, but the pepper spray was carried away by a freshening westerly. The group escaped in a flotilla of inflatables and sailing dinghies, and remain at large.

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